October Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness

    So October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness month.  I have not shared my story with many people until recently.  Mostly because I thought it was a subject that was not suppose to be talked about.  So about six months into our marriage my husband and I found out we were expecting our first child together. I had children before we were married.  It was spring 2004 and we were so excited.  We wanted to wait to tell everyone just a little bit.  So we kept it a secret from everyone but my employer and our parents.  We told my job because I worked in a daycare and I had to do a lot of heavy lifting.  
   At about 10 weeks, I was at work and I started to have a lot of pain.  I told the director and I called Marshall to come get me to go to the hospital.  I had called my OB's office and that is were they told me to go.  So we drove in silence to the ER and I was praying the whole drive.  After what seemed like forever I was taken back into a room and a ultrasound was done and blood work was taken.  It was confirmed that we had lost the baby.  We were devastated,  I felt like a failure.  I felt I had done something wrong.  We sadly had to tell our parents we lost the baby and I took a couple days off work.  My boss was so rude after I returned to work.  Telling me well it was not really a baby yet.  That made me so mad.  After talking with my OB he really encouraged us to name the baby that we lost to help us heal.  We named the baby Kaya, we did not know if it was a boy or a girl, but something told me it was a girl. 
   We never told the kids, because they were little.  I felt after a couple weeks I was the only one mourning our baby.  I felt like Marshall had gotten over it and moved on.  I never wanted to ask him, mainly because I did not know how to ask him.  I read the Bible and prayed a lot in the 2 months following the miscarriage.  When the doctor said it was ok to start trying again we got pregnant  almost right away.  This time we did not tell anyone until I was almost 3 months.  I had changed jobs and so I was not doing any heavy lifting.  We were worried for the baby I was now carrying.  I prayed all the time asking God to let us deliver and happy and healthy baby.  In March 2005 we welcomed our Rainbow baby.  He is now an amazing 12 year old.  We were blessed again and  welcomed our daughter in the summer of 2008.
   I have a story to tell you all about our daughter we had in 2008.  When she was about 3 years old and we were looking at an American Girl catalog, she was asking the names of all the dolls.  When we got to the Native American History Doll, who's name is Kaya, she looked at me and said, "Like my sister in Heaven."  I asked her what she was talking about.  She said, " That dolls name is the name of my older sister that has to live in heaven."  remember I told you earlier we never told our older kids.  That was such a chilling, but comforting moment for me.
   As time has gone on and friends of mine have lost babies I have shared my story with them.  Remember how I said that after a couple of week I felt like I was the only one mourning our baby.  Well in August (2017) as we were starting up our home group meeting again for church, we were asked to share a time when God brought us through a tough time.  Marshall spoke up about the loss of our baby and how God had brought him trough, us trough that time.  It was hard for me to see him cry about it, I did not know that it affected him so much.  I am even tearing up as I type this, thinking back on that night.
   Marshall sharing that with close friends of ours that had no idea that we had gone through a miscarriage, has helped me to talk more about it.  To share our story when I fell it appropriate.  I hope my story helps someone in someway.